31 July, 2006

HASH TRASH - Run 639

HASH TRASH - Run 639
A Live One

It was very hot, although according to some it was very, very hot. Nonetheless, and despite shelling to the North, a hardy band of Hashers assembled in a dusty Herzliya parking lot and girded their loins for the run ahead. Well, they said it was girding. Initially, the Hares had difficulty in finding the trail and wandered aimlessly for quite a while before the first on-on was sounded.

The Hash was a Live Hare, Sanitary and Dr. Dolittle having sprinted ahead seconds, nay, minutes, perhaps even hours earlier to lay the trail. Well, they said it was sprinting. The ambling, perambulating walkers caught up with the live ones at the halfway point, and if "Live Hare" means "hanging out and smoking" then this was a job well done.

The runners meanwhile -- led by newcomer Diabolo, fresh from the Hashemite HHH -- set out on a run that was described to Humble Scribe as "lacking" -- lacking in hares, lacking in flour, lacking in scenery, lacking in length, lacking a cool breeze, lacking beer at half time and lacking in Brits.

Alas, a... oh, never mind.

RA - Dead Boring
FRB - Diabolo
Returnees - TC, Pat (Istanbul is Constantinople)
Virgin - Diabolo
Clarkson Award for Circle Abuse - Ferfoxsake (Impala compounds the sin)
No Hash Shirt - Pat
Fashion Abuse - TC (no socks), Boston Creamed (no pants*)
150 Runs - Bucks Fizz (just in time!)
Leavers - Barking Mad, Bucks Fizz, Decibel, Sanitary, Treasure (pewter steins all around)

The RA noted that the Ware family, Decibel, Sanitary, and Treasure, have between them done 670 runs during which time 3,350 beers (1,005,000 milliliters, according to his calculations) were consumed, and decreed that Hash Cash left over from their collective balance would go towards their Hash pension plans. Let it also be noted that during her time in the Holyland Hash House Harriers, Treasure ran 289 Hashes (come back for 11 weeks and get that patch!).

The current border situation (has anyone officially declared war yet?) has elicited a number of e-mails from concerned Hashers around the world. Neon (currently in Spain) and Minh (who came to us with Quick Drawers and Tongue Boy) sent best regards. For her part, Stroker wrote something about running through fields of cannabis in the Indo-Gangetic Plain. Well, she said it was running.

* Wore a skirt, your filthy minded creatures.

** If anyone did not receive his brilliantly witty e-mail, "The Gospel According to Sanitary", notify Hash Scribe and it will be forwarded forthwith. In summary, the Tribe of Ware has been, "banished to the Land of Rain and Snow, where their sins will be cleansed, and they will be forced to drinketh warm, flat ale and eat Yorkshire Puddings, or burneth forever in front of the one bar electric fire."

Date: Saturday, July 29
Start time: 4:00pm

Deliverance writes: Hash # 640 will be taking place in lovely downtown Hadera!! (Conveniently located near my kid's camp and hopefully far enough away from katushas, etc..). Take the Coastal Highway from Tel Aviv and Herzliya and head NORTH. Exit right at Hadera. Go straight through traffic light and roundabout, cross over railroad track. At 2nd stoplight take a right. You will be on "Frank - One of the Founders of Hadera Road". Bring a camera if you like and take a picture of the street sign. Your hare will be a couple of yards - not meters - on your right.
Any questions, comments or compliments, call Deliverance.

Map in Hebrew - useful or useless but very attractive

-- Boston Creamed


HASH TRASH - Run 638

HASH TRASH - Run 638
Hare: Dead Boring

It was very, very hot, so much so that the harsh sunlight glinting off the sand prevented many from seeing the bright white of the flour circle as they entered the starting area. Well, that's my excuse for driving through the circle, anyway. Don't know what made Lager Lout or Pusher run their cars through sacred space, but the RA took note of this act of sacrilege.

The Hare, (who also happens to be the RA), promised a long and difficult run of the sort for which he is famous. But that was just a ruse as he, along with many others, knew it was very, very hot. Before long, we found ourselves at the halfway point singing a halfhearted version of Old MacDonald, which fell apart as soon as it was realized that no one knew what sound a Tyrannosaurus Rex makes.

The second half provided plenty of missed shiggy opportunities as we ran along what appeared to be a body of standing pea soup, and the run was deemed "very reedy" at the end. Down-downs were followed by a fabi-olous naming ceremony as we welcomed Bravefart into our collective bosom. Seriously.

Down Downs

RA - Dead Boring
FRB - Bravefart (aka: Fabiola)
SCB - Dr. Dolittle
Returnees - Dead Boring, Lager Lout, Pussycat (in from Africa and out to England)
Circle Abusers - Boston Creamed, Lager Lout, Pusher
Over-organization* - Boston Creamed
Cock-up - Bucks Fizz, Decibel, Lager Lout, Pussycat, Sanitary, Treasure (together in the circle for the last time)

* Thought it should be "Anal Retentive" but Dead Boring said that was rude. Can you believe it?

NOTE: A newly revised Hare Raiser's Roster has been sent out. Anyone who did not receive it and feels they ought to have, contact this address and thank you in advance for volunteering.

ANOTHER NOTE: Reprinting in full a message received in reference to Run 637:
"I believe a down-down is in order for the RA; what the hell is a Tammy award? It should be rightfully called a Dumb Belle award! Tsk, Tsk!
"On on, Dumb Belle (of 47 runs, still trying to get back there to get my 50 patch!!)"

Tsk tsk.

Directions to Run 639
The run will take place Herzliya.

There will be an on-on barbecue at Sanitary, Treasure and Decibel's house afterwards but as their cupboards are empty, everyone is asked to bring something to eat.
Beer will be provided.

And now, without further ado:
Take Highway 2 to the Kfar Shmaryahu junctionHead EAST on Menachem Begin (the name changes to Habrigada HaYehudit) Turn RIGHT onto Hadar St.There is a parking lot on the corner where your hares will be waiting.
Lost? Call Sanitary or Dr. Dolittle

Map (possibly useful, probably useless (in Hebrew))

And lastly, from the Old Jokes Home:A man with a sore bottom decides to see a doctor, who puts him on an examination table.Doctor: "Ah, you have a lettuce leaf growing out of your arse".Patient: "Oh my goodness. Is it serious?"Doctor: "It's just the tip of the iceberg".

More rollicking scatological jollity here:

-- Boston Creamed


HASH TRASH - Run 637

HASH TRASH - Run 637
Forever Flourless
Hare: Neverfucker

It was very hot, last weekend's Hashers report, but a dogged and determined crew assembled in a Ra'anana park just off of traffic light number #14. Wait a minute? Didn't the directions say traffic light #8? They did. A special Hash Trash investigation has revealed that the Hare cited the wrong digit because he actually never learned how to count. Still, quite frankly, that's no excuse. We suggest pleading drunkenness (a legitimate reason), mental deficiency (also legitimate if a bit sad), or being "numerically challenged" (very PC!).

On-on! The Hare reports: "It was a lot of fun. It started with a bit of a kink, then on to a long, long downhill stretch to the halfway point, where Israeli kids were performing capoeira en masse by a fountain. We waited there for the walkers, who were quite whiny* about the length of the walk. Then after a rousing rendition of Father Abraham**, we were off through the parks and alleyways of Ra'anana, trespassing onto the grounds of a synagogue, and back to the start, although in the end even many of the 'runners' were walking."

Others report that the first half was hard to follow due to a lack of holds and (apparently) a lack of flour, but that the second half was more successful, with more holds and more flour.

*Translation for non-Yanks: whingy
**Is there really such a thing? -- B.C.


RA - Ferfoxsake
FRB - Naomi
Short Cutter - Dr. Doolittle
Whinging Walkers - Pusher, Dandruff, et al.
Hidden Holes / Not Enough Flour - Neverfucker
Returnees - Goldmember, Naomi, Ferfoxsake, Bullshit, Barking Mad
Tammy Award - Bullshit (for 99 runs as he doesn't know if he'll be back again for his 100th)
100 Runs - Ferfoxsake
Very Merry-Go-Round - Dandruff, Goldmember, Deliverance

Directions to Run 638

Leave Tel Aviv Haifa highway at Netanya south (IKEA) exit.
Follow the road east towards Even Yehuda.
Immediately before the railway line turn right down sandy lane.
Your Hare will be waiting.Any problems with these directions -- then you are really directionally challenged or blonde. Any lost beautiful blondes can call for assistance.[signed] Dead Boring (who loves running long distance in extreme heat!!!!)

END NOTE: Katherine suffered a very bad bicycle accident over the weekend and will be missing in action for a few weeks. She has promised to join the walkers as soon as possible. We wish her a speedy recovery.

-- Boston Creamed

HASH TRASH - Run 636

HASH TRASH - Run 636
Short n' hummusy

It was very hot, but not very, very as we circled up for what was scheduled to be a short run because of some very important football game (translation: soccer) between England and some other team that won. Sanitary was deputized as RA and, having been annointed a man of the cloth (terry? cheese?) was charged with leading the assembled in following prayer:

Blessing of the Hares

Bless these hares,
Bless this trail,
Coppus no catch us,
Farmer no shoot us,
Doggus no bite us,
Heatus no stroke us,
Plenty of cold beer to drink,
Coitus non interruptus.

On-one, on-two, on-three and on-on! The hares had promised shady glens, wood nymphs, elves, sprites and magic fountains. As a walker this time around, your Humble Scribe can vouch for the glens -- apparently we were trampling through a decorative tree and garden suppliers' annual harvest -- but nothing more winged than a bee. The real magic, however, was that the runners and walkers met up at at the halfway point at almost exactly the same time. A heartfelt prayer was raised unto the heavens:

Our Lager
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the Beer, The Bitter, and the Lager,

Who says prayers go unanswered? Not only was there beer at the end, but the hares provided homemade hummus of the Gods.


Hares - Dandruff, Pusher
FRB - Neverfucker
DFL - Katherine
Virgins - Nellie, Mary
Returnee - Stroker (who's now going off to Inja)
Dog days - Pat (Tally caught the attention of three other dogs, thus endangering the lives of all the walkers)
Meteorologically challenged - Dandruff (umbrella), Katherine (stockings, heavy socks)
Geographically challenged - Dr. Doolittle (so lost he didn't even get a chance to shortcut)
Portugally challenged - Treasure, Sanitary
Pushing - Pusher (do we really know what was in that hummus?)
Using Hash Trash to promote sport utility vehicles - Boston Creamed*

* Advertising rates available upon request.

Directions to Run 637
Date: July 8, 2006
Time: 16:00 (4:00pm)

The starting point will be Gan Kochav in Ra'anana.
PLEASE NOTE: Traffic lights in Ra'anana are numbered, so traffic light #8 is not the eight traffic light. Its name is #8. From Herzliya Pituach: Cross #2 Highway going EAST on Menachem Begin St. and go all the way to the end.LEFT onto Derech Yerushalayim (towards Ra'anana)
RIGHT onto Achuza St. going EAST
LEFT at traffic light #8 onto Ha'shahar.
LEFT onto HaKochav. Follow the road to the right.

From Tel Aviv / Kochav Yair / otherTake Highway #4 to Ra'anana exit and turn onto Ahuza St. going WESTLEFT at traffic light #8 onto Ha'shahar.
LEFT onto HaKochav. Follow the road to the right.

The Hare(s) will be waiting at Gan Kochav (on your right).
Lost? Call Neverfucker

Potentially useful map (in Hebrew)

-- Boston Creamed

HASH TRASH - Run 635

HASH TRASH - Run 635

The Mad Doctor's Revenge

It was very, very hot, even in the shade of the eucalyptus (gum trees, Aussies) where all assembled to begin the run. And run we did -- pinch-hitting hare Dr. Doolittle and his lovely assistant (!) having set a trail through the most fragrant fields Ra'anana could offer... and not in a good way. It was hard to tell at some points whether the putrid odor wafting aloft was something dead, partially dead, or alive but in exceedingly bad shape. The walkers never showed up at the halfway point and, so it would seem to your humble scribe, they still owe the group a rousing chorus of "Father Abraham".

Having escaped the filth and stench of nature, the runners now continued on on through the clean, pleasant paved streets of surburbia where it was very hot, if I haven't mentioned this before and, at one point, Treasure was menaced by a very fierce dog (or large barking mouse). Thankfully, Fabiola and Deliverance came to her rescue. Deliverance would have been commended for that act of bravery but points had to be taken off because she rolled her car into the bumper of Sanitary's parked SUV before the run. That's right. The shiny one. A Ford, by the way, in case anyone could possibly be wondering.

At the circle, the runners finally met up with the walkers who may or may not have had cappucino on their breath.

Hares: Dr. Doolittle, Boston Creamed
FRB: Deliverance
DFL: Katherine
Lost Walkers on Marked Trail: Dandruff, Pat
Virgin: Katherine
Shortcutter: Pusher, Dr. Doolittle (Hare but he drank his beer nonetheless)
No Bell: Neverfucker, Dr. Doolittle (ditto)
Close Encounters of the Dog Kind: Treasure, Fabiola
Ford Abuse: Deliverance (Dare ya to do that twice)

Date: Saturday, July 1
Start time: 4:00pm

These directions are for people coming from the south, east and west. As far as I know nobody is coming from the north anymore and not many from the east!! This will be a nice short run for all the English footie fans who want to see England play at 6pm. No excuse not to come (or attend) as the case may be!!

Get yourselves on to the # 2 highway and turn right at the Rishpon exit (next one after Kfar Shmaryahu). Continue on this road through an intersection where there is a flower shop on the corner, and continue straight ahead (through dogs leg). Turn left at the second roundabout (circle) into HaShaked Street. Follow along this road for approximately 1km. Your hares will be waiting in a lush grove off to the right, surrounded by exotic fruits, nymphs and waterfalls.

Any problems finding us ring Dandruff

-- Boston Creamed


HASH TRASH - Run 634

HASH TRASH - Run 634

It was very hot. We circled up in the only shady spot the Hares could find in the blindingly bright sunshine, received instructions and on-on we went -- in all directions. Eventually, the Hare subtly indicated where the first marking could be found. And so, on-on we went -- for real this time -- through sand, earth, dust, dirt, (Deliverance got a mouthful of that in the second half). The runners were joined by Tally -- T.C. and Pat's very lovely dog, who hates being on a leash and has successfully figured out that if Mother says no, ask Father (and vice-versa). At the halfway point, the runners met the walkers to sing what can only be described as a cheeky little Hash ditty, which your loyal scribe has transcribed in its entirety below*. At the end of the second half, in their excitement and anticipation of some liquid libation, the final hold was missed by most of the runners. This oversight was noted by Dr. Doolittle who -- true to his role as the current GM -- was very good and did not shortcut, but still not as good as one other person (also see below).

Down Downs

HARES - Pusher, Dandruff
DFL - Anne
SHOE REMOVAL - Neverfucker
MISSING A HOLD - Anne, Boston Creamed, Bucks Fizz, Deliverance, Neverfucker, T.C.
FLYING AWARD - Deliverance
ANGEL AWARD - Lager Lout (for being TOO GOOD, but she has promised never to do that again)

* The ditty, as promised (threatened?) sung to the tune of "The Addams Family Theme"


Their drinking is compulsive
Their running is convulsive
They're morally repulsive
The Hash House Harriers

Da da da da (snap fingers twice)
Da da da da (snap fingers twice)
Da da da da, da da da da, da da da da (snap fingers twice)

Their flatulence is rude and
Their genitals protrude when
They're running in the nude in
The Hash House Harriers

Da da da da (snap fingers twice)... etc.

Following is a summary of the committee changeover:

GM - Dr. D.
RA - Dead Boring
Ass. RA : Fer Fox Sake
BEERMEISTER(S) - Pusher/Dandruff
HASH CASH - Lager Lout
HARE RAZOR - Stroker
HASH TRASH - Boston Creamed
HASH HORN - Deliverance

Also announced and award certificates duly distributed:

BEST RUN: Lager Lout
HASHER of the YEAR : Bucks Fizz
HIDE & SEEK: Pussycat
PAINTED LADY: Masterbakes
ROOKIE of the YEAR: Boston Creamed
SPIRIT of the HASH: Deliverance

Run 635
Another e-mail will arrive tomorrow with directions to this Saturday's Hash. Anyone out there want to do it? Fer Fox Sake was supposed to be the Hare, but due to events beyond his control, he has taken up residence in Gaza.

-- Boston Creamed

HASH TRASH - Run 633

Greetings to all !

Please forgive the delay in sending out this week's missive. My Hash Trash predecessor, together with last week's Hare, are about to leave the country, get married and set up somewhere under the rainbow, so I didn't get the password to this address till late. Enclosed is a brief summary of last week's run. Don't have any of the down-downs but I do recall that FRB Stroker had to drink out of a plunger with a toilet seat draped around her neck.Yummy.

RUN 633
We met at Nof Yam park. Jack Off was the hare. We ran through the old IAI munitions plant site. At a certain point we got sidetracked hunting for ancient Phoenician glass. Eventually someone remembered to call out "On on" and off we went -- down a cliff, under a bombed out bridge and out towards the beach. There was a lot of plastic refuse (this is a very polite way of describing it) washed up along the shore and no naked people on the nude beach. The walkers gave up waiting for the runners at the half-way point, and were wending their way back when all met up and sang a song about being on the seashore. On on, up and down the hill, through a eucalyptus grove and back to the starting point, just in time to see the Israeli Scouts setting fire to things. After the Down Downs, we retired to Dandruff and Pusher's house for the committee changeover meeting and barbecue.

RUN 634
4:00pm June 17, 2006.

From Herzliya Pituach get on to Keren Hayesod. Cross Hwy 2 headed east to Kfar Shemaryahu. Continue on over railway and just past the airport (on your left) turn left into Kanfe Nesharim. Follow this through the bends to the T.
Your hares will be waiting in the park across the road.
From Tel Aviv get on to Hwy 2 headed north and turn right at the exit to Kfar Shemaryahu then continue as above.
For anyone coming from the east get on to Menahem Begin headed toward the sea. Just before the airport turn right into Kanfe Nesharim etc.

Lost? Call Pusher

Map of questionable usefulness (in Hebrew)

-- Boston Creamed

HASH TRASH - Run 632

HASH TRASH - Run 632


Well, it was a pretty hot day. Fighting for parking, we took every available slot at the start. Of course, if folks had walked two blocks instead of driving, there would have been plenty of parking (see down downs). And so we were off on some rather tricky trails. The FRB's missed trail over and over. Probably should have made them DFR's but they didn't get it wrong once they found the checks.

North, North, North into Nof Yam. Many false trails and a huge (and very hot loop) through the fields and we made our way back to the walkers and a sad rendition of Brown Cow (very very smelly performance by lots of folks- can't even wiggle a hip?)

And so it was on over into Kfar and Herliyya Bet. Seems that the FRB's just couldn't be bothered to stop for the holds. I think someone needs to remind Dead Boring and Stroker of our traditions. What kind of example are you setting for guys like Tongue Boy (a visiting hasher) ?

We made it back to the beginning, although it was touch and go with many hashers Short cutting the end. And even the hare couldn't remember the trail. So, on to the down downs.

Down Downs

Hares Larger Lout & Treasure

FRB Dead Boring & Stroker (mmmmmmm racing?, or ..........)

SCB A whole bunch (not my notes)!!!!!!

DFL Jack Off

No Hash shirt - Dead Boring & Free willy

Bad Hares - Larer Lout & Treasure (did the trails cross?) and remember where the trail is supposed to go.

Invisible Man Award - Boston Creamed (so what did attack you?)

Lack of effort (on the song) - too many people

Returnees - Taco Balls & Sanitary (bout time)

Virgins - Tongue boy, Quick Draw (see you for a couple more)

New shoes - Dr D (you really need to check your taste in shoes) & Pussycat

Non Hebrew speaker (there really is a difference between Klum (nothing) and Two - Goldmember

Who let the dogs out (better known as Treasure doesn't like dogs)- Jack Off

Dairy Queen (how much Ice Cream did you buy) -MasterBakes

Lazy Hashers ( next time walk to the start when it is only a few blocks from your house) - Dead Boring lager Lout Pussycat Treasure Sanitary Delivrance Bucks Fizz Free Willy Pusher & Dandruff

Directions to Run 633 (the getting close to the devil run, some combo equals 666). ALL RUNNERS MUST WEAR EITHER A DEVIL OUTFIT, TIARA OR BOW TIE.

We'll be starting at NOF YAM park. We ran by there the last run. All the scouts were there if you recall. So exit at the KFAR Smaryahu exit from route 2 in Herzliyya. Head west toward the beach. At the 2nd traffic circle, bear right (Wingate and later Golda Meir). Follow the road into Nof Yam. The priority road will make a sharp right. Take the right and then make an immediate left. Go straight, across the dirt stretch to the park ahead of you. Your hares will be waiting. Lost call Masterbakes, or Jack Off.